I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
