Well douche your snatch and let's go!
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
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its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall