this beer tastes like vomit already
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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