My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
