she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
