I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
