sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
