This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
