Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Girls should come with a carfax report
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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