That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
