why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
