Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
