Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we made out on top of his cat.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
