ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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