Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
