don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
