I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
