When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm getting married
To pizza
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
