I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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