Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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