i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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