I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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