my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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