so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
