Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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