Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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