i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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