she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
