Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
