he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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