Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
