I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
