When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
