sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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