i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
