I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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