textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
