I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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