So drunk its hurt
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
