if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
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i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.