I just made out with a guy for $7.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My ATM looks so different sober.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
