If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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