Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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