Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
