So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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