wrigley field is MILF paradise
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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