i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
