i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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