if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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