im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
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