I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
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We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
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I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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