your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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