Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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