Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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