If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Bring me that man meat
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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