the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
