in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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