We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
